The Great Debate

Ah, arguing. The common denominator in all parent-child relationships.

Don and I decided early on that we wanted to encourage a healthy ability to reason in Malcolm, and therefore didn't always discourage arguing. In fact, we often take the time to sit down and hear out his reasons, even if we are certain we won't budge on our final decision (though we have, on occasion). Our theory is that it will teach him that we care about his opinion, and encourage him to be more honest with us. Malcolm has appeared to enjoy testing this theory.

I have doubted this tactic many times while arguing with my child. After all, conventional wisdom is that arguing (from children) is a sign of disrespect, and needs to be nipped in the bud. However, in the book I'm reading, "Nurture Shock", this conventional wisdom is challenged.

Studies cited in the book show that children who argue with their parents do so because they have a lot of respect for them. Arguing is actually a sign of honesty in children, that they are not hiding something from their parents. When you should *really* be concerned, it seems, is when your child just ignores you altogether.

Now, for those of you who have teenagers and think, "well, my child is one of those exceptions - he/she is honest with me all of the time", I have news for you: 96% of teenagers lie to their parents. This was across the board - students with high grades, students with low grades, drinkers, non-drinkers, low income, high income, kids with "permissive" parents and kids with "strict" parents - it doesn't matter. Chances are, your child is lying to you about something. (And for those of you thinking "my child is in the 4%" - fat chance.)

I highly recommend picking up this book, and if you are the parent of a teenager, at least flipping to the chapter titled "The Science of Teen Rebellion." There is a lot of fascinating information that might be extremely helpful to you surviving your child's adolescence, and could possibly strengthen your relationship as well. In the meantime though, please try to see arguing as a good thing, and show your child that you value their input and are willing to listen to their opinions on things. Could go a long way in more frequent displays of honesty, and less "sneaking around." At least, that's what I'm hoping for with Malcolm!