Wow. Sometimes, time just gets away from me.

I have so much to say, and always such fun stories about Malcolm, but no time to write them at the moment. So, for now, I will leave you with two brief exchanges between us today:

Exchange #1:

We're driving on the way to school...Malcolm sees an ice cream delivery truck. Then later...

Malcolm: OOO! A BEER TRUCK!

Me: WHAT?! Why would that excite you?

Malcolm: First the ice cream, now beer...now both me AND Daddy will be happy!

Heh.

Exchange #2:

Malcolm: (making cereal with bananas) I'm going to grab a knife to cut the banana.

Me: How else would you cut it?

Malcolm: Well...I was going to use my kung fu, but I don't want my hands to get all slimy.

Ah, the fun things kids say. Makes life enjoyable!

More later.

The Great Debate

Ah, arguing. The common denominator in all parent-child relationships.

Don and I decided early on that we wanted to encourage a healthy ability to reason in Malcolm, and therefore didn't always discourage arguing. In fact, we often take the time to sit down and hear out his reasons, even if we are certain we won't budge on our final decision (though we have, on occasion). Our theory is that it will teach him that we care about his opinion, and encourage him to be more honest with us. Malcolm has appeared to enjoy testing this theory.

I have doubted this tactic many times while arguing with my child. After all, conventional wisdom is that arguing (from children) is a sign of disrespect, and needs to be nipped in the bud. However, in the book I'm reading, "Nurture Shock", this conventional wisdom is challenged.

Studies cited in the book show that children who argue with their parents do so because they have a lot of respect for them. Arguing is actually a sign of honesty in children, that they are not hiding something from their parents. When you should *really* be concerned, it seems, is when your child just ignores you altogether.

Now, for those of you who have teenagers and think, "well, my child is one of those exceptions - he/she is honest with me all of the time", I have news for you: 96% of teenagers lie to their parents. This was across the board - students with high grades, students with low grades, drinkers, non-drinkers, low income, high income, kids with "permissive" parents and kids with "strict" parents - it doesn't matter. Chances are, your child is lying to you about something. (And for those of you thinking "my child is in the 4%" - fat chance.)

I highly recommend picking up this book, and if you are the parent of a teenager, at least flipping to the chapter titled "The Science of Teen Rebellion." There is a lot of fascinating information that might be extremely helpful to you surviving your child's adolescence, and could possibly strengthen your relationship as well. In the meantime though, please try to see arguing as a good thing, and show your child that you value their input and are willing to listen to their opinions on things. Could go a long way in more frequent displays of honesty, and less "sneaking around." At least, that's what I'm hoping for with Malcolm!

Mother of the Year

According to my mom, my high school guidance counselor had once declared that I'm a "AAA" personality type.

Somehow, I don't think that was meant as a compliment.

For those of you unfamiliar with the "Type A, Type B" personality construct, allow me to give you a quick breakdown:

• Type "A" personalities are workaholic, task-driven, competitive, ambitious stress addicts
• Type "B" personalities are calm, patient, easy going meditatives.

In other words, when the Type A personality finally "goes postal," the Type B personality will be the loving, patient therapist that calmly reassures them that a demonic bunny is not, indeed, telling them the end of the world is near.

So, being the Type A that I am, motherhood immediately became something to conquer and control. I couldn't simply be a good mom, I had to be the BEST. My kid couldn't just be a good kid, he had to be THE BEST.

You can imagine how well that went over.

During the first 5 years of Malcolm's life, I found myself constantly comparing myself to other moms, analyzing their behavior and trying to figure out which method of parenting was the best way, so I could guarantee I was giving my best parent performance possible. After hearing about something one of my "mom friends" had done, I would feel guilt-ridden if I didn't somehow incorporate it into my parenting style. If one was creative and did art projects, I would try that with Malcolm. If one was super strict on the kinds of food she allowed her child to eat, I would suddenly find myself eliminating pudding from the fridge and adding more fruit. If one was more free-flowing and felt like we put too many "rules" on kids, I'd try to lighten up - the pudding would come back and bring some friends (cookies anyone?) and rules went out the window.

What was the result of all these escapades? A closet full of unused art supplies, half-finished projects, a child who is extremely confused on how often he is allowed to eat sweets, and a mother who felt worse than before.

Over the last year, I've finally started to "come into my own" as a parent. I am finally beginning to realize that I need to be the parent I feel is best for Malcolm, and that emerges most naturally from me. So far, that seems to mean a good balance of the Disney Channel and book reading, cookies and apples with peanut butter, and yes, the occasional art project. But now, this all feels natural and fun, and less like a competition for Mother of the Year.

Honestly, at this point I don't care if I'm the best Mom out there - I just care that I'm the best one for Malcolm.

Nurture Shock

I have started reading a new book entitled "Nurture Shock." The premise of the book is that a lot of conventional wisdom about child rearing is really not helping our children. For example, the idea of constant praise...

In the chapter titled "The Inverse Power of Praise," the authors share study after study that showed that children who are praised for their intelligence often end up not putting in effort for things that are difficult for them. They seem to feel that if it doesn't come easily, it must not be "their thing." Additionally, they want to preserve their title of "smart" and won't risk public failure. The authors (and the many scientists they cited) suggest praising the child for very specific items, and for their effort, rather than just giving the title "smart."

From the book:

"Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable they can control...They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."

...and...

"When they get to college, heavily-praised students commonly drop out of classes rather than suffer a mediocre grade, and they have a hard time picking a major - they're afraid to commit to something because they're afraid of not succeeding."

Holy Cow. Can I just tell you, that last sentence is totally me? I dropped out of physics for fear of ruining my GPA, and I floated from major to major. Fear of success is very palpable for me. Interesting.

I've noticed this even with Malcolm. We tell him he's smart ALL of the time. But then I began to notice that he would give up easily or get frustrated when trying something he didn't innately understand. He would sigh in frustration and sometimes even cry. Over time, I tried explaining to him the importance of trying and would encourage him to move forward, praising him for his effort. I didn't realize that the *real* impact of praising his effort will really come from the times he is very successful at what he has accomplished, and we choose to praise him for the hard work he did to make that happen.

I believe I will be changing the way I interact with my child! I'm only on chapter 2 of this book, but so far I highly recommend it.