Friday, June 25, 2010

Doggy Daddy


Not too long after Malcolm was born, I started getting the questions from others about having another child. While these questions have continued for years, they have died out recently, I'm guessing because Malcolm is turning 7 next month. The "natural, usual" gap between first and second child has long passed.

A few months ago, Don and I had a serious talk about having a baby. We ultimately decided against it, and opted for a dog instead. (That's a fair swap, right?) We adopted June (a now 9-month-old Puggle) from the Toledo Animal Shelter about a month ago. Silly me, I thought getting a puppy would be a lot simpler than having another baby. Granted, you can't lock a baby up in a crate all day (well, you COULD...but you shouldn't). But I swear that dog chews on more things than Malcolm ever did, and we suddenly find ourselves with baby gates again. Joy.

In all seriousness, we love our new puppy. She is absolutely ADORABLE. A pain in the butt, yes...but those big black eyes and the late-evening cuddling make up for it. We've lost sleep, some socks, a pair of flip flops, a cup, a few toys and a chunk out of the ottoman...but it's all good. She's a part of the family now.

What's amazing about this whole puppy experience is the characteristics we've seen come out in Malcolm. He has quite taken to being a "Doggy Daddy." He feeds her, helps bathe her, cleans up after her, plays with her. He helps to discipline her and train her. And in some ways, having the puppy IS like having another child - I have to break up their fights, and listen to Malcolm whine about June taking his toys. But overall, Malcolm behaves more around June like a responsible parent, rather than a combative sibling. It's pretty awesome.

The way he interacts with June has also been eye-opening to me about how he must perceive us as parents. Any time he interacts with her in a way I don't think is nice, I have to stop and examine, and figure out where he learned that behavior. Is it because it's how we've treated him? Sometimes, it is. Sometimes, he TELLS us that it is. And then, I find myself being the one who is being "disciplined." It's just another way in which my child holds a mirror up to me, forcing me into self-examination. And growth.

As painful as it can sometimes be, discovering these self-reflective moments is rewarding and wonderful, because it helps me to become a better person. I believe that the puppy ownership experience will create a lot of them, as we work with Malcolm on his "Doggy Daddy" moments. I truly look forward to these reflections of me.

Except today, when Malcolm told June to "shut her pie hole." That, my friends, was a reflection of Don.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Kudos for Dad

One of the great things about parenthood is that it reveals some wonderful traits about your spouse...things you never saw before.

In honor of Father's Day, I wanted to post some things about Malcolm's amazing father, my wonderful husband Don. Trust me, I already knew about the compassion and goodness in this man, but the role of Father revealed so much more.

My hope is that most women experience the same things I did in those first hours after giving birth - a man who suddenly, despite whatever level of macho he usually has, finds himself wrapped around the little finger of a tiny person. Don instantly went into caregiver mode - in fact, he got up more often in the middle of the night than I did! (Partially because it takes some serious noise to rouse me from sleep!) Bottles, burping, dirty diapers - the man did it all, and then some. In fact, there's a running joke about how he got all the "bad poop days" - including the day that Malcolm decided to take off his diaper (which was full) and use the contents to paint himself, the walls, and the crib (which, oh-so-wonderfully, had a spindle design with lots of nooks and crannies). I never came home to a mess waiting for me because it was "my job" or "too much for him to handle." I never had to fight to get him to do this stuff - he just did.

As Malcolm has gotten older, Don has just gotten better. He is my guide for discipline, rules, and love. He is indeed the authority figure (the one that can make the kid listen), yet he is not scary or overbearing. He guides Malcolm lovingly with equal parts discipline and praise. He is goofy, fun, adventurous - all the things a kid loves. And stern, loving, and guiding - all the things a kid needs.

He never makes me feel like him watching Malcolm is "babysitting" or a "favor to me." I never had to beg for time away, or a night with the girls. I am extremely grateful that I do not feel like one of those mothers who has to do everything with the "occasional help" of the father. It is truly an equal partnership - in fact, if anything, he is the harder working, more intuitive parent.

This Father's Day, I am extremely grateful that my son has such a wonderful father. Not just because it is helpful for me, but because it means so much more for my son, and how he will grow.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Love Your Neighbor As Yourself

Every night, Malcolm and I (or Malcolm and Daddy) recite the Shema. If you're unfamiliar with it, it goes like this:

Hear, Oh Israel!
The Lord is our G-d!
The Lord alone!
LOVE the Lord your G-d
with all your heart
with all your soul
and with all your might.
And love your neighbor as yourself.

The first part is in Deuteronomy, the last bit was added by that dude Jesus during His ministry. He seems to have been a pretty smart cookie.

So, we get done reciting Shema tonight, and I say, just to be funny, "you should love Mommy the most!" Malcolm responded, "No, silly, I love you, Daddy, and me ALL THE SAME!" I replied, "You love yourself?" and he said "YES!" And so I asked him to list all the things he likes about himself, and reaffirmed those things.

I know it is in children's nature to love themselves and be fairly confident at this age...but I really hope we can keep up the self-love. So much hurt in this world comes out of self-loathing. And think about it...it's a commandment from G-d: Love your neighbor AS yourself. Wouldn't that indicate that in order to love others, you first need to love yourself? It's not "love your neighbor even if you don't love yourself" or "love your neighbor in spite of yourself."
I told Malcolm that I was very happy he loves himself. He looked at me like "why wouldn't I?" I explained that there are some people who don't love themselves. When he asked why, I said it was because at some point along the way, someone told them bad things about them and made them sad. He pondered that for a bit, and he said he hoped all people would love themselves.

Of all the things that will change about him as he grows older, I hope this is not one of them. And I pray that all of you who are finding it easier to love your neighbor than to even consider loving yourself can reach back in time, and fnd that inner 6-year-old...and revel in your own awesomeness!