I think there is a common feeling among a lot of us mothers that we need to defend our intellect once we push those little buggers out. Those of us who had worked to shape careers prior to having children are faced with the decision of stopping work, continuing on, or making some part-time employment adjustment. For some, this decision is easy, whichever path they chose. Others struggle with guilt on one or the other side of the equation: either we feel guilty for going back to work and secretly enjoying getting away, or we feel as though we've wasted our college degrees and thrown in the towel on our intellect by staying at home to "just be a mom."
I am one of those people who has a really difficult time making decisions. I'm also someone who has had to defend her intellect on many an occasion. High school teachers and college professors were always "surprised" to find me at the top of my class. Business men routinely discount my ability to participate in the business world, and sometimes ignore me altogether. A part of me feels constantly on edge, ready to prove my intelligence if needed.
It is this piece of me that keeps me from updating this blog on a regular basis.
I have another blog, where I talk about spiritual things, thoughtful things...but honestly, it's exhausting to me. I enjoy having these discussions, but trying to type out my thoughts in a coherent manner on heavy spiritual, political, or otherwise intellectual topics after spending the day at work writing grants, organizing finances, and building partnerships is just not appealing. However, I feel obligated to do so, as it will help me appear to be a thoughtful, intelligent human being. Updating a "mommy blog" and delighting in my son just seems so...pedestrian. (see? I can use big words!)
It was this feeling that also has made me have a stop-and-go flow on progress on a book I was thinking about writing...about motherhood. Part of me was afraid to have my definition reduced to one role I carry in my life. After all, I'm a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, nonprofit director...
But I can't change the fact that motherhood has profoundly changed me. And for the better, in my opinion. Being a mother is like having a huge mirror constantly held up in front of you. Since becoming one, I've gotten a better handle on my temper, improved my self-esteem drastically, learned a great deal more patience...and I'm still learning. Not to mention, my abilities to catch things mid-air and find missing items have increased tenfold.
So...here I am again, making a promise to update my blog more. This is a promise to myself, however, because it helps me focus more on Malcolm, and less on task achievement, and will keep me (hopefully) disciplined as I work toward finishing this book.
Hopefully, through this blog and book writing experiment, I can find the happy balance and prove that being a mommy doesn't mean abandoning your intellect. In fact, I look forward to the day when I finally stop taking myself so seriously, and can simply delight in the wonder and innocence of childhood.
Now, if I just had a sugar daddy...
