Why Brokenness

There are a number of "Mom" books out there. Some are focused on the idea of motherhood as a battlefield, while others are focused on fun and fluff. I'm trying to be somewhere in the middle of this - recognizing the pain and sorrow that can accompany this important "job" while reveling in the joy.

So why am I focusing on "brokenness"? It is so very important for us to seek to be whole and healthy people. Broken, unhealthy people beget more broken and unhealthy people.

I attended a meeting this morning which was an overview of the Philip Project, created by Cherry Street Mission's very own Dan Rogers. Cherry Street will seek to be a partner with churches and church leaders to help transform the parent-child relationship. It's very exciting stuff!

Dan said something that stuck with me this morning, but first you need a little background to understand it. When we talk about the "downstream" of life - which he at Cherry Street and I at Food For Thought deal with on a daily basis - we are referring to the image of a "river of life." The upstream is the point of the river that makes a difference. If that point is damaging - think of the image of a broken bridge - bodies start falling in the water. When someone is broken, damaged, hurt...that's the downstream. In our daily jobs, Dan and I are the ones at the downstream, pulling people out of the river and trying to heal them. But something we share is a desire to help the upstream, to keep bodies from falling in the water in the first place. This is where the phrase "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" comes in handy. It's a heck of lot more effective to fix the bridge than it is to keep pulling bodies out of the river downstream.

So, this morning, Dan said, "there is no greater upstream than parents." How true! We are constantly healing people's brokenness, which largely takes place at the hand of their parents. Yes, there are a variety of other factors, but parents are - as Dan put it - the greatest upstream.

Which is why I'm working on this book and why I talk about brokenness. In order to fix that bridge for our children - or keep the bridge from breaking in the first place - we need to wade back upstream and figure out how to fix that bridge for ourselves. To some that may seem selfish - to spend so much time focusing on ourselves instead of our children. No, it is anything but! It is the greatest form of care and love for your child - to heal the parts of you that may damage parts of them.

Good luck as you head upstream...

Broken.

What follows here is the first draft of the introduction to my book. I would love your feedback on this, as it shares the general tone and direction of the book. Thank you in advance.

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I am broken.

Actually, I think we all are - in one way or another. Each and every day, human beings interact with each other in ways that arise out of our own brokenness, and often contribute to the brokenness of others.

What do I mean by "broken"? I realize some may take offense to this word. Saying someone is broken is indicating that there's something wrong with them that needs to be fixed - that they are less than whole. And yes, that is what I mean. However, given the pervasiveness of brokenness in our society, my use of this word is far from judgmental. I am merely acknowledging the shattered state of our world.

When we are mistreated, a fracture is created. My therapist calls them "disturbances." The voices of our past whisper in our ear during the present, coloring our view of our current experiences. We then act out of that unhealthy place, creating new disturbances for the people we interact with.

The good news is, there is hope. There is healing. It is possible to heal these disturbances so they no longer act as triggers in your daily life. Not only possible - but necessary. If our brokenness goes unhealed, then we run the danger of creating disturbances in our children, resulting in new brokenness that then affects others. And so the cycle continues.

Perhaps you don't agree that brokenness affects us all in some way, that you are perfectly healthy and fine. I would challenge you - do you have anger issues? Are you a perfectionist? Do your neatness requirements at home rival Mommy Dearest?

In this book, I will be sharing my own journey through healing. Am I fully healed? No. But I am on the journey, and I feel more whole than ever in my life. And I largely have my son to thank for that. It is the act of becoming a mother that created a critical point of change for me. As they say, children are like mirrors, reflecting the very best - and worst - of their parents. What I saw reflected in my child's eyes was disturbing, and created in me an urgency to move on a path of healing - not just for my own sake, but for the health and happiness of my family.

I share this journey because I feel that there is freedom in being able to admit imperfection, seek help, and strive to be a healthier person. My hope is that by sharing my experiences with this type of healing, and how this affected my role as a mother, others can find hope and healing of their own.

Should

What do you want to be when you grow up?

It's a typical question aimed at kids. Many answers come out of the mouths of babes - a ballerina, a teacher, an astronaut, a cowboy. These answers grow and change as our kids do. Malcolm is only 6 and has had many career aspirations, although "gym teacher" seems to be the more long-lasting answer.

I've seen parents try to nurture these aspirations by sticking their kids in special classes or private instruction. The problem is, at a young age our kids often show promise at a number of activities - so we try to nurture them all, resulting in the ridiculous over-scheduling that permeates middle class America. And our kids are likely to end up with the dilemma I had when graduating high school - having that ever-present question looming large with so many choices it's nearly unbearable: What do I want to be when I grow up?

The problem is, when you are on the precipice of the college years, you are grown up, essentially. Old enough to vote, make your own decisions, move out of your parents' house...and make your own mistakes. Yet, with adulthood almost thrust upon us at this age, very few of us know what the heck we want the rest of our lives to look like. I'm sure some of this is just the age and the design of our lives - we are encouraged to experiment with different hobbies, sports, and vocations - to "broaden our horizons" and experience the world so we can make a well-informed decision. I've read a lot lately about how too much choice is actually crippling to humans, and has led to a number of unforeseen problems. However, I would assert that this vast openness of choice and opportunity is not really the main issue keeping many of us from reaching our full potential - the word "should" is. (side note: my husband, when reading this, just smiled that I used the phrase "I would assert" and will need to pause and regroup before reading on...)

Anyway...the word SHOULD. What an interesting word. We often use it in corrective instruction: "You should not have pulled the cat's tail." "You should apologize." But we also use it when giving our opinion of how our children should (ha) live their lives, including choosing a career. Is there really any surprise that "You should take violin lessons!" or "You should join the soccer team!" might be received with a little less levity than intended? After all, earlier that same morning, we told them they "should" not say that bad word, or they "should" not have hit their friend. Should carries much more weight than I think any of us realize. Thus, when kids reach the age of having to make a decision of the direction of their lives, the thought "What do I want to be when I grow up?" carries more the weight of "What SHOULD I do with my life?" Which may seem like the same basic idea, but that word "should" adds a different weight to the question.

I bring this up because, at just 6 years of age, my son has already been "shoulded" a lot. He's been told he should join a soccer team, take gymnastic lessons, take musical instrument lessons, take special art classes...all because he has shown promise in these areas. Now, I realize that the people saying these things (including Mom and Dad) have no ill intent, but I have to wonder if all this "shoulding" adds a level of obligation and expectation to our choices. After all, if I have been told that I should sing on the worship team because I have a nice singing voice, and I choose not to do so, am I not letting someone down? Am I possibly even turning my back on a G_d-given talent?

I have spent many years trying to unravel the strings of "should." That single word has hung over me like a cloud, while I have tried to figure out what I "should" do with my life, rather than what I want to do. What I desire to do. Trust me, I recognize our collective obligation to society as a whole, and the importance of every person's role in community. However, if an individual is fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled doing something they "should" do rather than something they feel passionate about doing, then are they truly being a constructive participant in community?

My desire is to give my son as much support and as little "should" as possible. I don't know yet what that looks like, but I hope that I don't squash his dreams or skew his view of what careers and lifestyles are acceptable to pursue because of what I think he should do with his life.

What about you? Have you been "shoulded"? How can we not "should" our kids?

It Ain't Necessarily So...

As we head toward Mother's Day, I've heard many women talking about what they would like to do/receive as a gift. A large number of women "fantasize" about some time away without the kids, some immediately apologizing for wanting to "abandon Motherhood" on the day celebrating Motherhood. Most seem to feel they have no hope - or right - to such a day.

I'm not one of them. Well, sorta. I'm very lucky to have a husband who practically shoved me out the door to get away for a few days. I had all sorts of objections for him: I have a meeting! Reschedule it. It costs money to do this! We'll make it work, no big deal. You teach this weekend! You need child-free distraction to study and prepare! I'll make it work. YOU NEED THIS. I'm so fortunate to have someone who could overcome my objections and send me on my way.

As I write this, I'm in a hotel approximately an hour from home, sipping some tea and listening to Gershwin. Soon, I will be heading out to do a little shopping, then I'll make myself comfy at a coffee shop and hopefully make some progress on my book. Tomorrow's plan includes a massage! When I arrived, I received a surprise upgrade from a regular room to a suite, and there were flowers - Gerbers, my favorite - waiting for me in my room, a gift from my wonderful, amazing, thoughtful husband. What a glorious time!

As I was sitting here this morning, enjoying my nice, neat, clean and organized hotel room (yes, I realize I have issues - but one of the things I love about traveling by myself is that everything is neat and organized and exactly where I want it), I realized how lucky I am. I remember a time when I wouldn't have felt like I deserved this time away. (Still, when a few people told me yesterday "Enjoy! You deserve it!" I cringed a little - clearly I still have a little way to go.) I know some mothers who practically make a sport out of self-sacrifice, and quite honestly, some of their husbands do nothing to help the issue. Some even hint at time away, and the response is incredulous.

But here's the thing: I believe most of us NEED some time away. I love my son, don't get me wrong - but he is, by very essence of being a child, a large bundle of expectations. After having expectations built up on me from various aspects of my life, it is sometimes exhausting to not have somewhere to escape, because "home" becomes just another pile of expectations - laundry, dishes, errands, homework... It just all becomes too much, and I get to a point where I'm no good to anybody anymore, because I'm so burned out I have nothing left to give.

So there's the answer for those self-sacrificing moms out there...can't take some time away? Well, I would argue that you need to, if you're going to continue to be a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. It's for the greater good! I don't know about you, but when I get to this point, I am no longer able to be a good support for my friends who are going through marital issues, grief, job stress, emotional distress...you name it. And I'm a grumpy, tired mom who doesn't want to play any games and has little patience for goofing around.

So...think you can't/shouldn't/couldn't get away? It ain't necessarily so. Think about the positive you will be doing for yourself and your family.

(Note: I realize that for some, money is an issue that can't be ignored. A few suggestions to get around that: hotwire.com (cheap hotels for the lean budget - a lot of them will offer a refrigerator for the room for minimal charge, allowing you to pack food to avoid eating out), local hermitages that offer free or cheap nights (you'll have to do some research to find them in your area), swapping time with a friend/family member that has an open room/house, OR...send your hubby and/or kids to visit relatives and keep the house to yourself!)