The Great Debate

Ah, arguing. The common denominator in all parent-child relationships.

Don and I decided early on that we wanted to encourage a healthy ability to reason in Malcolm, and therefore didn't always discourage arguing. In fact, we often take the time to sit down and hear out his reasons, even if we are certain we won't budge on our final decision (though we have, on occasion). Our theory is that it will teach him that we care about his opinion, and encourage him to be more honest with us. Malcolm has appeared to enjoy testing this theory.

I have doubted this tactic many times while arguing with my child. After all, conventional wisdom is that arguing (from children) is a sign of disrespect, and needs to be nipped in the bud. However, in the book I'm reading, "Nurture Shock", this conventional wisdom is challenged.

Studies cited in the book show that children who argue with their parents do so because they have a lot of respect for them. Arguing is actually a sign of honesty in children, that they are not hiding something from their parents. When you should *really* be concerned, it seems, is when your child just ignores you altogether.

Now, for those of you who have teenagers and think, "well, my child is one of those exceptions - he/she is honest with me all of the time", I have news for you: 96% of teenagers lie to their parents. This was across the board - students with high grades, students with low grades, drinkers, non-drinkers, low income, high income, kids with "permissive" parents and kids with "strict" parents - it doesn't matter. Chances are, your child is lying to you about something. (And for those of you thinking "my child is in the 4%" - fat chance.)

I highly recommend picking up this book, and if you are the parent of a teenager, at least flipping to the chapter titled "The Science of Teen Rebellion." There is a lot of fascinating information that might be extremely helpful to you surviving your child's adolescence, and could possibly strengthen your relationship as well. In the meantime though, please try to see arguing as a good thing, and show your child that you value their input and are willing to listen to their opinions on things. Could go a long way in more frequent displays of honesty, and less "sneaking around." At least, that's what I'm hoping for with Malcolm!

Nurture Shock

I have started reading a new book entitled "Nurture Shock." The premise of the book is that a lot of conventional wisdom about child rearing is really not helping our children. For example, the idea of constant praise...

In the chapter titled "The Inverse Power of Praise," the authors share study after study that showed that children who are praised for their intelligence often end up not putting in effort for things that are difficult for them. They seem to feel that if it doesn't come easily, it must not be "their thing." Additionally, they want to preserve their title of "smart" and won't risk public failure. The authors (and the many scientists they cited) suggest praising the child for very specific items, and for their effort, rather than just giving the title "smart."

From the book:

"Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable they can control...They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."

...and...

"When they get to college, heavily-praised students commonly drop out of classes rather than suffer a mediocre grade, and they have a hard time picking a major - they're afraid to commit to something because they're afraid of not succeeding."

Holy Cow. Can I just tell you, that last sentence is totally me? I dropped out of physics for fear of ruining my GPA, and I floated from major to major. Fear of success is very palpable for me. Interesting.

I've noticed this even with Malcolm. We tell him he's smart ALL of the time. But then I began to notice that he would give up easily or get frustrated when trying something he didn't innately understand. He would sigh in frustration and sometimes even cry. Over time, I tried explaining to him the importance of trying and would encourage him to move forward, praising him for his effort. I didn't realize that the *real* impact of praising his effort will really come from the times he is very successful at what he has accomplished, and we choose to praise him for the hard work he did to make that happen.

I believe I will be changing the way I interact with my child! I'm only on chapter 2 of this book, but so far I highly recommend it.