Great Expectations for Little People

So...a few weeks ago we took a trip to PA to visit my family. Just me and the kiddo.

When we arrived home, I gave the obligatory recap to Don, ending with heaps of praise for our son, whose behavior on the trip was impeccable. Seriously, impeccable! He barely complained, was well behaved in restaurants, and didn't run around like a crazy kid (too much). Even for Malcolm, this behavior was stellar. And I say "even for Malcolm" because he really IS a well-behaved kid. Seriously. This is not "mommy bias" speaking - I've received compliments from strangers, teachers and other parents about his behavior. After this trip, I was positively glowing with Mommy Pride.

Unfortunately, that glow started to fade over the past few weeks. I jumped right back into work, a mistake I now realize - "visiting family" does not equal "vacation." No offense to my family, but...it's just not the same as kicking back somewhere either by yourself or with just your spouse and child, and forgetting the rest of the world exists. Also, true to form, I still worked while "on vacation." This all adds up to mommy being a bit overstressed and cranky, which I'm sure rubs off on the kiddo.

So, for some reason, everything my child has been doing lately has been jumping all over my nerves. The goofy voices, the over-dramatic reactions to things, the jumping up and down. He constantly forgets to do the stuff I tell him to do, then he gets mad at me when I remind him, sighing with a big "I KNOW!" He DOES seem more hyperactive than usual lately - but that could be a clouded perception b/c of my stress level. Who knows. But either way, I was reflecting this morning, and I had to remind myself:

He's 6 years old.

I think that sometimes we place great expectations on such little people. In particular, using the phrase (after an ill-conceived idea gone wrong) "What were you thinking?" Well...they certainly weren't thinking that was a bad idea, or they wouldn't have done it.

In that book I read a while back - Nurture Shock - was a whole chapter on the science of teen rebellion. In this chapter, the authors go into some science that shows that, indeed, teenagers DON'T really think through the consequences of things. In fact, their brains seem incapable of it. So...how much more so a 6 year old? We somehow expect our children to magically know that different things are bad ideas, when they truly don't have the life experience to know that. Yet, we expect absolute silence and stillness in church, suppressed curiosity (hmmm...maybe I shouldn't find out how these markers look on the wall), and perfect behavior.

I think sometimes we forget that correcting and shaping their behavior is our JOB - so should we really complain that our to-do list gets refreshed on a daily basis? I know that I forget this sometimes. I want my job to be easy - after all, I already have a full time job, obligations as a pastor's wife, housekeeping responsibilities and other relationships to tend to. It'd be nice if I could cruise through motherhood with no issues.

But, alas, I need to relax my expectations a bit for my little person, and remember that teaching him how to interact with the world is what I signed up for. And the last thing I want to instill in him is the idea that he needs to perform to a set of expectations he doesn't know or understand.

Are there limits to your worth?

Just today, I told Malcolm, "Stop growing!" I was kidding, of course...but a little part of me wants him to be my little boy forever.

But, of course...he won't be. He will keep growing even beyond when he reaches his full height - because we all keep growing emotionally and spiritually throughout all our lives. He will keep changing. I will keep changing. So I always find it interesting when I feel like "I've arrived" at a growth point, because it is oh so quickly that G-d reminds me that He's not done with me yet!

A very small reminder of this was last night, when I was visiting with Dan Rogers. I love meeting with Dan, because it is always simultaneously edifying and challenging. I feel better after we meet, but always leave with something to chew on.

So, last night, after some long discussions, I thanked him for his insight and shared that I really valued what he had to say. He said something complimentary to me as well, which I cannot even recall the exact wording of, because I dismissed it so quickly. I thought to myself, "Yeah right, you're just saying that to be nice." But if you know Dan, you know he doesn't just say things "to be nice." He speaks the truth, always.

This knee-jerk reaction felt unsettling, and for good reason: I haven't reacted this way to a compliment in a long time. After some reflection, I realized that my self-worth had increased, but only to a point. I am still making judgments on who I could possibly be of value to, and people like Dan Rogers are a bit outside of that "believability range."

So...what about you? I'd be curious to hear where others feel their worth "ends." And I'd encourage you to try to stop putting limits on your worth.

Content.

Yesterday was a good day.

After a productive day at work, I picked up Malcolm from school, and we went over to Wildwood Metropark for a walk. It was wonderful - cool enough to not get overheated, but warm enough to enjoy the outdoors. We walked and talked, and enjoyed all the dogs running around. A good day.

At one point during our walk, I let out a little sigh (a good one). It dawned on me: after a long time of battling depression, doubting myself and trying to find my place in life...I am content.

I hesitate to admit this, as part of me is afraid that saying so will somehow bring back that little black rain cloud that has been following me everywhere. Like throwing out a challenge to G-d or the devil, whichever one feels the need to take it on. I know that dark times will come again, but I am hopeful that I am now in a better place to handle them. After all...it's easy to claim contentment during the good times, right?

But then I think back to how I've felt about the same situations over the years...and how my murky perspective would cloud my view of my life. Indeed, there are improvements to my life: we finally have our heads above water financially, our home has been improved greatly, and I have a fulfilling job with lots of flexibility, working with people I love. Good things are the same: I have a wonderful husband and son, and great family and friends. However, a few years ago I would have focused on the negative: I'm still 35 pounds overweight, I'm suffering consistent pain from both my bum knee and my sciatica, I still haven't recovered from my "mystery illness" from a few years ago, I have some broken relationships that are hurtful, and while it is a fulfilling job, working full time is not my ultimate desire and tires me out. These negatives would have easily eclipsed the positives, and I would have continued along in my misery, insisting that my life is oh so much worse than anyone else's. Oh Poor Me.

But I feel content. Even on this, a rainy gray day that would normally instantly plunge me into depression...I feel content. I've figured out (almost) how to leave work at work and enjoy my time with my family. Don and I are laughing together again. I've learned to find that balance between taking time for myself and dropping everything for a nerf-gun battle with Malcolm. Rather than feel impatient and frustrated that we are not at our ultimate destination in life, I'm learning to enjoy every bit of the journey. Even though I still feel like there are bits of me to unravel and discover, and I'm still learning to listen to G-d's voice, I'm okay with being unfinished. For once in my life...I'm okay with being unfinished.

I feel content.

Hot Girls

So, Malcolm was sharing with me how to play "The Superhero Game." He proceeded to give me a bunch of names of superheros that would be included, listing all sorts of characters and their special powers. Then he go to one that made me laugh...

Malcolm: Hot Girl.

Me (with raised eyebrows, laughing): Hot Girl?

Malcolm (blushing, then laughing): Well...you know, like lava and stuff. Not like when you go on a date.

This amused me, especially after the interaction a few weeks ago with our friend Jared, who was playing Final Fantasy. There was a female video game character on the screen when Malcolm walked in the room. He took one look at her and declared "She looks like a party girl."

And how, pray tell, do you know what a party girl looks like, Malcolm?

Man, the teenage years are going to be something else...

How to Train Your Dragon

I thought I'd do a "Movie Review for Moms." Now, for movie reviews, I would highly recommend reading my friend Josh's blog and leave things well enough alone. However, given that I'm a mom, and I often wonder when movies are appropriate for my child or not, I thought I'd share some insights into "kid movies" when I can.

For example, take Alice in Wonderland. I had heard it was fairly dark, as most Tim Burton films are. However, I was hoping that perhaps it was okay for Malcolm to see (he's 6). I received a few warnings from people, and I'm glad I heeded them - while the movie was interesting, there were a few rather violent portions that I don't think were appropriate for someone his age.

So...on to "How to Train Your Dragon." An enjoyable flick, for sure. With Gerard Butler's boisterous Scottish voice for the father, Jay Baruchel's charmingly dorky voice for the son, and a slew of other great actors in the mix - it's sure fun to listen to and watch. The storyline is somewhat predictable, but because of the unusual setting of the story - vikings are not as typical child fare as say, fairies and barnyard animals - it's refreshingly different enough to not be boring for the adults. I found the movie to be entertaining and enjoyable.

Now, for the warnings:

• Malcolm is 6 years old, will be 7 soon. He did not get too scared by the dragons or the fighting sequences. However, he DOES play video games such as Star Wars and such like that, so he is accustomed to a certain amount of "cartoon violence." There was a woman there with a little girl that looked to be 2 or 3 - she screamed several times and ran away...this, among other things, makes me not want to recommend this story for toddlers.
• There is one bit of the story that is very much NOT like typical child fare, and I'm not sure how many parents would be uncomfortable with having to explain this particular incident to their children. I was fine with it, and Malcolm accepted the explanation without any difficulty. However, more sensitive parents may feel some need for caution. I don't want to do spoilers here, so if you would like to know what exactly I'm talking about, please private message me and I'll share.

That's really it. Obviously, just merely having dragons as central characters may make it a bit too scary for younger children. But I believe older children will enjoy the tale.

Winning the Kid Lottery

So, we are taking a break from crazy every day life, and drove to PA to visit the 'rents. As I am typing, I sit at my parents' dining room table (which they have had as long as I can remember), looking out their beautiful windows (because I'm talented enough to type while not looking at the screen, don't you wish you were me) and enjoying wonderfully warm weather. Malcolm is playing with his Star Wars figures while Mom is warming up some dinner. Ah, the good life.

It was a pretty good trip out. Because of my prematurely-old hip problems, it wasn't quite comfortable being in the car for so long, but I have to be Mrs. Braggy Braggerstein again about my child and share that he was absolutely AMAZING in the car. I think he asked me a total of 3 times when we would "get there"...but other than that, he did not complain at all. He varied his time between playing his PSP, reading some books, and then just sitting quietly and starting out the window. Yes, seriously. No, I'm not making this up. And no - I did not drug him.

As I was hanging out with my friends Jess and Erik today, I was sharing this and other stories about Malcolm. Jess said to me, "You totally won the kid lottery with that one." Trust me, I definitely agree with her - I feel very fortunate to not have to deal with a lot of the things that other parents do - ranging from behavior issues to health problems to the rough ordeal of trying to even get pregnant in the first place. And sometimes, when I observe some particularly difficult children or hear parents' heartbreaking stories of their children's health problems, I say a silent prayer of thanks for my child.

However, I believe that we all - all parents, regardless of differing circumstances - could use those reminders here and there to be grateful for our children. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our child's particular issues that we start to be too hard on them, and we forget to be thankful for this wonderful gift, this little version of ourselves. We ignore the positive aspects of their behavior and focus on those that need work. I'm not saying that we shouldn't always be trying to help our children become better people...I'm just saying that we need to count our blessings, every day, and remember that we are blessed to have these wonderful little beings in our lives.

Happy Easter!