Confession time.

I think there is a common feeling among a lot of us mothers that we need to defend our intellect once we push those little buggers out. Those of us who had worked to shape careers prior to having children are faced with the decision of stopping work, continuing on, or making some part-time employment adjustment. For some, this decision is easy, whichever path they chose. Others struggle with guilt on one or the other side of the equation: either we feel guilty for going back to work and secretly enjoying getting away, or we feel as though we've wasted our college degrees and thrown in the towel on our intellect by staying at home to "just be a mom."

I am one of those people who has a really difficult time making decisions. I'm also someone who has had to defend her intellect on many an occasion. High school teachers and college professors were always "surprised" to find me at the top of my class. Business men routinely discount my ability to participate in the business world, and sometimes ignore me altogether. A part of me feels constantly on edge, ready to prove my intelligence if needed.

It is this piece of me that keeps me from updating this blog on a regular basis.

I have another blog, where I talk about spiritual things, thoughtful things...but honestly, it's exhausting to me. I enjoy having these discussions, but trying to type out my thoughts in a coherent manner on heavy spiritual, political, or otherwise intellectual topics after spending the day at work writing grants, organizing finances, and building partnerships is just not appealing. However, I feel obligated to do so, as it will help me appear to be a thoughtful, intelligent human being. Updating a "mommy blog" and delighting in my son just seems so...pedestrian. (see? I can use big words!)

It was this feeling that also has made me have a stop-and-go flow on progress on a book I was thinking about writing...about motherhood. Part of me was afraid to have my definition reduced to one role I carry in my life. After all, I'm a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, nonprofit director...

But I can't change the fact that motherhood has profoundly changed me. And for the better, in my opinion. Being a mother is like having a huge mirror constantly held up in front of you. Since becoming one, I've gotten a better handle on my temper, improved my self-esteem drastically, learned a great deal more patience...and I'm still learning. Not to mention, my abilities to catch things mid-air and find missing items have increased tenfold.

So...here I am again, making a promise to update my blog more. This is a promise to myself, however, because it helps me focus more on Malcolm, and less on task achievement, and will keep me (hopefully) disciplined as I work toward finishing this book.

Hopefully, through this blog and book writing experiment, I can find the happy balance and prove that being a mommy doesn't mean abandoning your intellect. In fact, I look forward to the day when I finally stop taking myself so seriously, and can simply delight in the wonder and innocence of childhood.

Now, if I just had a sugar daddy...

His #1 gal

So, Malcolm and I were watching the Disney Channel yesterday, and on one of the shows, two of the characters shared a brief kiss. I looked at him and asked, "You're not into girls yet, right?" He turns at me with that exasperated look on his face and says "I love YOU, Mommy!" (ah....warms my heart) Me, of course, I have to push the envelope...so I say "Even when you find that one special girl, I'll still be your #1 gal, right?" He looks at me, exhales dramatically, and states, "No, Mommy." With mock (ok, somewhat real) hurt on my face, I exclaim, "I WON'T?!?" Malcolm's response: "No, Mommy...you'll be my #2 girl!!"

Ah, such wisdom at such a young age. As much as it hurts to admit it, I won't always be the most important woman in my son's life. And, even now, he knows that. He's explained several times that he can't wait until he is a daddy, has his own wife and kids and lives in his own house. He has even stated that he thinks he'll move out around the age of 21.

While part of me is saddened to even start thinking about these things, I am very proud of Malcolm's sense of independence. While he does have some emotional attachment issues here and there, he seems to have a deeper intellectual understanding that some day, he will grow up and not need Mommy and Daddy so much anymore.

But, for now...I get to remain his #1 gal. I'll enjoy it while I can.

Memories...and time.

Malcolm I sat down last night and watched the Pixar Short Films. What a great time! First, we made this fun ice cream concoction:

My goodness - you'd think I was some sort of genius! Malcolm thought this was the coolest thing ever, and was so excited about it.

We cuddled up and watched the films, which included my favorite, "Jack-Jack Attack," from the Incredibles. For those of you unfamiliar, at the end of the short, a secret agent uses a memory-wipe device on someone. After this showed, the following exchange took place:

Me: "Do you remember when we used the memory eraser on you?

Malcolm: "No..."

Me: "Good, then it worked."

Malcolm: (pause) "What memory did you erase?"

Me: "You don't remember the accident?"

Malcolm: "What accident?"

Me: "Good...it worked. You don't remember."

Malcolm" TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...."

Heh.

So, we made the fun ice cream treat and cuddled up and watched Pixar films and then that was it - such a simple night. But Malcolm was soooo lovey-dovey to me before getting ready and going to bed - and then he prayed and thanked God for fun times with Mommy.

It struck me then that perhaps I stress out about this parenting thing a bit too much. (who? me?) I worry that we can't provide Malcolm with really cool experiences and vacations that some other families can, or that I'm not the uber-creative Mom that some of my friends are (I'm lookin' at you, Heather), or that I'm not even a stay-at-home mom. Last night taught me that all I have to do is be present with my son and do something together that we both enjoy.

Time with Mom is all he needs.

Exhibit A

Evidence my son is a genius:

Malcolm: "Fire melts ice, right?"

Me: "Yes."

Malcolm: "And water can put out fire, right?"

Me: "Yes"

Malcolm: "And ice IS water, right?"

Me: "Yes."

Malcolm: "Hmmm. That's interesting."

More evidence to come.

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so grateful for my beautiful son!

Awesomeness

A brief interaction between me and my child:

Malcolm: (singing along with a song, being totally cute and entertaining.)

Me: Malcolm, you're awesome.

Malcolm: I know.

The End.

A bit of philosophy from my 5-year old

Just a short thought today:

One of Malcolm's favorite games to play is a little game on Don's phone that is like a labyrinth you guide a ball around, trying to get to the end. Only, along the way, there are holes the ball can fall into, and therefore, you lose. But of course, you can simply start over and have another turn.

He was playing this game the other day, when he suddenly looked up to my husband and said "Daddy? If there weren't holes for the ball to fall into, this game wouldn't be any fun."

I doubt he realizes the profound depth of what he said! After all...would life be any fun if there were no risks?

My Son's Sense of Confidence

I thought I'd share a humorous story from the past...

One of the things children are often good for is injecting humor into an otherwise dull and/or stressful day. Of course, the entertainment value at young ages is quite high, particularly when they do not fully understand the meanings of words, phrases, etc. and attempt to understand them, use them intelligently, etc.

For example, you can imagine the endless entertainment we got out of our son's mispronunciation of the word "fork." If you can't figure out how he pronounced it, I'll give you a hint: it rhymed with "duck." Slightly adolescent, I know, but we found it to be quite funny. He used to also get the words "what" and "where" mixed up...so you can imagine what it sounded like one time when he walked into the kitchen around age 2 and said what he THOUGHT was the phrase "where the fork?"

And sometimes...kids are entertaining simply for their brutal honestly. Take, for example, one day when Malcolm seemed to be taking an awfully long time in the bathroom. After awhile, I realized he hadn't walked back out of the bathroom, so I peeked in to check in on him, and see him just standing there, pants down, starting at...er...himself. I asked him if everything is ok, and he said yes. But he kept staring. So I asked what he was doing. He contemplated a moment, looked up at me and replied, "I just really like my pee-pee."

It's moments like these that make motherhood really entertaining!