The Lonely Only

Imagine my delight and surprise when, at the supermarket, I stumbled across a Time magazine cover with the title "The Only Child Myth." (click on the link for a truncated, online version of the article) Being the parent of an only child, I was intrigued.

I have to say - reading this article was like finally breathing a sigh of relief. The Only Child Myth - that only children are spoiled and maladjusted - is alive and well today, despite virtually no evidence to support it. Even though the number of families with only children is steadily on the rise, it's still so unusual that people feel free to criticize parents that just stop at one. "I'm just balancing out the average," I joke to people who are dumbfounded that we do not plan to have any more children. "You know - 2.5 is average, so - someone needs to bring the average down," I tell the mother of 4.

According to the article, "The image of the lonely only was the work of one man, Granville Stanley Hall. About 120 years ago, Hall established one of the first American psychology-research labs. But what he is most known for today is supervising the 1896 study "Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children," which described a series of only-child oddballs as permanent misfits. For decades, academics and advice columnists alike disseminated his conclusion that an only child could not be expected to go through life with the same capacity for adjustment that children with siblings possessed." The funny thing is, Hall had virtually no knowledge of how to actually conduct a credible study...yet his teachings were hailed far and wide. Today, plenty of studies have been conducted that have proven that there is no discernible difference - emotionally or intellectually speaking - between "only children" and children with many siblings.

Granted, I am a little concerned about my mother's lament that it is lonely and tough being an only child as your parents age and pass on - she is an only child, and had to care for my grandfather until he passed away a few years ago, then deal with his estate after he passed. She had no brother or sister to lean on, no one to share the grief in the same way when her mother passed away 30 years ago. I worry that when our time comes, Malcolm will wish he had a brother or sister to help carry the grief and the burden of responsibility. However, if there's one thing we have made up for, it's definitely any lack of family. We have taught Malcolm to live as part of a community, to love others, and that relationships with the people around us can create ties as deep as a family's.

And I think that is a lesson he has learned - after all, we're talking about a kid who handed me a 40-person invitation list for his birthday party, only 15 of whom were children. A child who makes no distinction between "mommy and daddy's friends" and "his friends." A child who told me the other day that he "loves everybody in the world."

I am grateful that - G-d willing - "only" is not a word that will be of concern for my child.

Except, that is, when there's "only" one pudding left in the refrigerator.