Broken.

What follows here is the first draft of the introduction to my book. I would love your feedback on this, as it shares the general tone and direction of the book. Thank you in advance.

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I am broken.

Actually, I think we all are - in one way or another. Each and every day, human beings interact with each other in ways that arise out of our own brokenness, and often contribute to the brokenness of others.

What do I mean by "broken"? I realize some may take offense to this word. Saying someone is broken is indicating that there's something wrong with them that needs to be fixed - that they are less than whole. And yes, that is what I mean. However, given the pervasiveness of brokenness in our society, my use of this word is far from judgmental. I am merely acknowledging the shattered state of our world.

When we are mistreated, a fracture is created. My therapist calls them "disturbances." The voices of our past whisper in our ear during the present, coloring our view of our current experiences. We then act out of that unhealthy place, creating new disturbances for the people we interact with.

The good news is, there is hope. There is healing. It is possible to heal these disturbances so they no longer act as triggers in your daily life. Not only possible - but necessary. If our brokenness goes unhealed, then we run the danger of creating disturbances in our children, resulting in new brokenness that then affects others. And so the cycle continues.

Perhaps you don't agree that brokenness affects us all in some way, that you are perfectly healthy and fine. I would challenge you - do you have anger issues? Are you a perfectionist? Do your neatness requirements at home rival Mommy Dearest?

In this book, I will be sharing my own journey through healing. Am I fully healed? No. But I am on the journey, and I feel more whole than ever in my life. And I largely have my son to thank for that. It is the act of becoming a mother that created a critical point of change for me. As they say, children are like mirrors, reflecting the very best - and worst - of their parents. What I saw reflected in my child's eyes was disturbing, and created in me an urgency to move on a path of healing - not just for my own sake, but for the health and happiness of my family.

I share this journey because I feel that there is freedom in being able to admit imperfection, seek help, and strive to be a healthier person. My hope is that by sharing my experiences with this type of healing, and how this affected my role as a mother, others can find hope and healing of their own.

Should

What do you want to be when you grow up?

It's a typical question aimed at kids. Many answers come out of the mouths of babes - a ballerina, a teacher, an astronaut, a cowboy. These answers grow and change as our kids do. Malcolm is only 6 and has had many career aspirations, although "gym teacher" seems to be the more long-lasting answer.

I've seen parents try to nurture these aspirations by sticking their kids in special classes or private instruction. The problem is, at a young age our kids often show promise at a number of activities - so we try to nurture them all, resulting in the ridiculous over-scheduling that permeates middle class America. And our kids are likely to end up with the dilemma I had when graduating high school - having that ever-present question looming large with so many choices it's nearly unbearable: What do I want to be when I grow up?

The problem is, when you are on the precipice of the college years, you are grown up, essentially. Old enough to vote, make your own decisions, move out of your parents' house...and make your own mistakes. Yet, with adulthood almost thrust upon us at this age, very few of us know what the heck we want the rest of our lives to look like. I'm sure some of this is just the age and the design of our lives - we are encouraged to experiment with different hobbies, sports, and vocations - to "broaden our horizons" and experience the world so we can make a well-informed decision. I've read a lot lately about how too much choice is actually crippling to humans, and has led to a number of unforeseen problems. However, I would assert that this vast openness of choice and opportunity is not really the main issue keeping many of us from reaching our full potential - the word "should" is. (side note: my husband, when reading this, just smiled that I used the phrase "I would assert" and will need to pause and regroup before reading on...)

Anyway...the word SHOULD. What an interesting word. We often use it in corrective instruction: "You should not have pulled the cat's tail." "You should apologize." But we also use it when giving our opinion of how our children should (ha) live their lives, including choosing a career. Is there really any surprise that "You should take violin lessons!" or "You should join the soccer team!" might be received with a little less levity than intended? After all, earlier that same morning, we told them they "should" not say that bad word, or they "should" not have hit their friend. Should carries much more weight than I think any of us realize. Thus, when kids reach the age of having to make a decision of the direction of their lives, the thought "What do I want to be when I grow up?" carries more the weight of "What SHOULD I do with my life?" Which may seem like the same basic idea, but that word "should" adds a different weight to the question.

I bring this up because, at just 6 years of age, my son has already been "shoulded" a lot. He's been told he should join a soccer team, take gymnastic lessons, take musical instrument lessons, take special art classes...all because he has shown promise in these areas. Now, I realize that the people saying these things (including Mom and Dad) have no ill intent, but I have to wonder if all this "shoulding" adds a level of obligation and expectation to our choices. After all, if I have been told that I should sing on the worship team because I have a nice singing voice, and I choose not to do so, am I not letting someone down? Am I possibly even turning my back on a G_d-given talent?

I have spent many years trying to unravel the strings of "should." That single word has hung over me like a cloud, while I have tried to figure out what I "should" do with my life, rather than what I want to do. What I desire to do. Trust me, I recognize our collective obligation to society as a whole, and the importance of every person's role in community. However, if an individual is fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled doing something they "should" do rather than something they feel passionate about doing, then are they truly being a constructive participant in community?

My desire is to give my son as much support and as little "should" as possible. I don't know yet what that looks like, but I hope that I don't squash his dreams or skew his view of what careers and lifestyles are acceptable to pursue because of what I think he should do with his life.

What about you? Have you been "shoulded"? How can we not "should" our kids?

It Ain't Necessarily So...

As we head toward Mother's Day, I've heard many women talking about what they would like to do/receive as a gift. A large number of women "fantasize" about some time away without the kids, some immediately apologizing for wanting to "abandon Motherhood" on the day celebrating Motherhood. Most seem to feel they have no hope - or right - to such a day.

I'm not one of them. Well, sorta. I'm very lucky to have a husband who practically shoved me out the door to get away for a few days. I had all sorts of objections for him: I have a meeting! Reschedule it. It costs money to do this! We'll make it work, no big deal. You teach this weekend! You need child-free distraction to study and prepare! I'll make it work. YOU NEED THIS. I'm so fortunate to have someone who could overcome my objections and send me on my way.

As I write this, I'm in a hotel approximately an hour from home, sipping some tea and listening to Gershwin. Soon, I will be heading out to do a little shopping, then I'll make myself comfy at a coffee shop and hopefully make some progress on my book. Tomorrow's plan includes a massage! When I arrived, I received a surprise upgrade from a regular room to a suite, and there were flowers - Gerbers, my favorite - waiting for me in my room, a gift from my wonderful, amazing, thoughtful husband. What a glorious time!

As I was sitting here this morning, enjoying my nice, neat, clean and organized hotel room (yes, I realize I have issues - but one of the things I love about traveling by myself is that everything is neat and organized and exactly where I want it), I realized how lucky I am. I remember a time when I wouldn't have felt like I deserved this time away. (Still, when a few people told me yesterday "Enjoy! You deserve it!" I cringed a little - clearly I still have a little way to go.) I know some mothers who practically make a sport out of self-sacrifice, and quite honestly, some of their husbands do nothing to help the issue. Some even hint at time away, and the response is incredulous.

But here's the thing: I believe most of us NEED some time away. I love my son, don't get me wrong - but he is, by very essence of being a child, a large bundle of expectations. After having expectations built up on me from various aspects of my life, it is sometimes exhausting to not have somewhere to escape, because "home" becomes just another pile of expectations - laundry, dishes, errands, homework... It just all becomes too much, and I get to a point where I'm no good to anybody anymore, because I'm so burned out I have nothing left to give.

So there's the answer for those self-sacrificing moms out there...can't take some time away? Well, I would argue that you need to, if you're going to continue to be a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. It's for the greater good! I don't know about you, but when I get to this point, I am no longer able to be a good support for my friends who are going through marital issues, grief, job stress, emotional distress...you name it. And I'm a grumpy, tired mom who doesn't want to play any games and has little patience for goofing around.

So...think you can't/shouldn't/couldn't get away? It ain't necessarily so. Think about the positive you will be doing for yourself and your family.

(Note: I realize that for some, money is an issue that can't be ignored. A few suggestions to get around that: hotwire.com (cheap hotels for the lean budget - a lot of them will offer a refrigerator for the room for minimal charge, allowing you to pack food to avoid eating out), local hermitages that offer free or cheap nights (you'll have to do some research to find them in your area), swapping time with a friend/family member that has an open room/house, OR...send your hubby and/or kids to visit relatives and keep the house to yourself!)

Great Expectations for Little People

So...a few weeks ago we took a trip to PA to visit my family. Just me and the kiddo.

When we arrived home, I gave the obligatory recap to Don, ending with heaps of praise for our son, whose behavior on the trip was impeccable. Seriously, impeccable! He barely complained, was well behaved in restaurants, and didn't run around like a crazy kid (too much). Even for Malcolm, this behavior was stellar. And I say "even for Malcolm" because he really IS a well-behaved kid. Seriously. This is not "mommy bias" speaking - I've received compliments from strangers, teachers and other parents about his behavior. After this trip, I was positively glowing with Mommy Pride.

Unfortunately, that glow started to fade over the past few weeks. I jumped right back into work, a mistake I now realize - "visiting family" does not equal "vacation." No offense to my family, but...it's just not the same as kicking back somewhere either by yourself or with just your spouse and child, and forgetting the rest of the world exists. Also, true to form, I still worked while "on vacation." This all adds up to mommy being a bit overstressed and cranky, which I'm sure rubs off on the kiddo.

So, for some reason, everything my child has been doing lately has been jumping all over my nerves. The goofy voices, the over-dramatic reactions to things, the jumping up and down. He constantly forgets to do the stuff I tell him to do, then he gets mad at me when I remind him, sighing with a big "I KNOW!" He DOES seem more hyperactive than usual lately - but that could be a clouded perception b/c of my stress level. Who knows. But either way, I was reflecting this morning, and I had to remind myself:

He's 6 years old.

I think that sometimes we place great expectations on such little people. In particular, using the phrase (after an ill-conceived idea gone wrong) "What were you thinking?" Well...they certainly weren't thinking that was a bad idea, or they wouldn't have done it.

In that book I read a while back - Nurture Shock - was a whole chapter on the science of teen rebellion. In this chapter, the authors go into some science that shows that, indeed, teenagers DON'T really think through the consequences of things. In fact, their brains seem incapable of it. So...how much more so a 6 year old? We somehow expect our children to magically know that different things are bad ideas, when they truly don't have the life experience to know that. Yet, we expect absolute silence and stillness in church, suppressed curiosity (hmmm...maybe I shouldn't find out how these markers look on the wall), and perfect behavior.

I think sometimes we forget that correcting and shaping their behavior is our JOB - so should we really complain that our to-do list gets refreshed on a daily basis? I know that I forget this sometimes. I want my job to be easy - after all, I already have a full time job, obligations as a pastor's wife, housekeeping responsibilities and other relationships to tend to. It'd be nice if I could cruise through motherhood with no issues.

But, alas, I need to relax my expectations a bit for my little person, and remember that teaching him how to interact with the world is what I signed up for. And the last thing I want to instill in him is the idea that he needs to perform to a set of expectations he doesn't know or understand.

Are there limits to your worth?

Just today, I told Malcolm, "Stop growing!" I was kidding, of course...but a little part of me wants him to be my little boy forever.

But, of course...he won't be. He will keep growing even beyond when he reaches his full height - because we all keep growing emotionally and spiritually throughout all our lives. He will keep changing. I will keep changing. So I always find it interesting when I feel like "I've arrived" at a growth point, because it is oh so quickly that G-d reminds me that He's not done with me yet!

A very small reminder of this was last night, when I was visiting with Dan Rogers. I love meeting with Dan, because it is always simultaneously edifying and challenging. I feel better after we meet, but always leave with something to chew on.

So, last night, after some long discussions, I thanked him for his insight and shared that I really valued what he had to say. He said something complimentary to me as well, which I cannot even recall the exact wording of, because I dismissed it so quickly. I thought to myself, "Yeah right, you're just saying that to be nice." But if you know Dan, you know he doesn't just say things "to be nice." He speaks the truth, always.

This knee-jerk reaction felt unsettling, and for good reason: I haven't reacted this way to a compliment in a long time. After some reflection, I realized that my self-worth had increased, but only to a point. I am still making judgments on who I could possibly be of value to, and people like Dan Rogers are a bit outside of that "believability range."

So...what about you? I'd be curious to hear where others feel their worth "ends." And I'd encourage you to try to stop putting limits on your worth.

Content.

Yesterday was a good day.

After a productive day at work, I picked up Malcolm from school, and we went over to Wildwood Metropark for a walk. It was wonderful - cool enough to not get overheated, but warm enough to enjoy the outdoors. We walked and talked, and enjoyed all the dogs running around. A good day.

At one point during our walk, I let out a little sigh (a good one). It dawned on me: after a long time of battling depression, doubting myself and trying to find my place in life...I am content.

I hesitate to admit this, as part of me is afraid that saying so will somehow bring back that little black rain cloud that has been following me everywhere. Like throwing out a challenge to G-d or the devil, whichever one feels the need to take it on. I know that dark times will come again, but I am hopeful that I am now in a better place to handle them. After all...it's easy to claim contentment during the good times, right?

But then I think back to how I've felt about the same situations over the years...and how my murky perspective would cloud my view of my life. Indeed, there are improvements to my life: we finally have our heads above water financially, our home has been improved greatly, and I have a fulfilling job with lots of flexibility, working with people I love. Good things are the same: I have a wonderful husband and son, and great family and friends. However, a few years ago I would have focused on the negative: I'm still 35 pounds overweight, I'm suffering consistent pain from both my bum knee and my sciatica, I still haven't recovered from my "mystery illness" from a few years ago, I have some broken relationships that are hurtful, and while it is a fulfilling job, working full time is not my ultimate desire and tires me out. These negatives would have easily eclipsed the positives, and I would have continued along in my misery, insisting that my life is oh so much worse than anyone else's. Oh Poor Me.

But I feel content. Even on this, a rainy gray day that would normally instantly plunge me into depression...I feel content. I've figured out (almost) how to leave work at work and enjoy my time with my family. Don and I are laughing together again. I've learned to find that balance between taking time for myself and dropping everything for a nerf-gun battle with Malcolm. Rather than feel impatient and frustrated that we are not at our ultimate destination in life, I'm learning to enjoy every bit of the journey. Even though I still feel like there are bits of me to unravel and discover, and I'm still learning to listen to G-d's voice, I'm okay with being unfinished. For once in my life...I'm okay with being unfinished.

I feel content.

Hot Girls

So, Malcolm was sharing with me how to play "The Superhero Game." He proceeded to give me a bunch of names of superheros that would be included, listing all sorts of characters and their special powers. Then he go to one that made me laugh...

Malcolm: Hot Girl.

Me (with raised eyebrows, laughing): Hot Girl?

Malcolm (blushing, then laughing): Well...you know, like lava and stuff. Not like when you go on a date.

This amused me, especially after the interaction a few weeks ago with our friend Jared, who was playing Final Fantasy. There was a female video game character on the screen when Malcolm walked in the room. He took one look at her and declared "She looks like a party girl."

And how, pray tell, do you know what a party girl looks like, Malcolm?

Man, the teenage years are going to be something else...